X I A N

Christian, Lilyann, Dagny, and I just walked to a couple miles in the rain to look at a potential house. We arrived very tired and wet to find the house is a huge pile of craptasticness. The front porch is is falling off the house and the entire thing was covered with lead paint chips. Then I look in the door and the front door and the frame around it is all crumbling. The entire place was a dump. Christian said he was scared and we just turned around and walked right back here.

I spent the night at Ethan and Sara's again last night. For some reason Dagny would not sleep and the air in the air mattress was so low that I kept feeling the floor. I cannot wait for nap time I think I am going to snuggle with all the kids while they sleep. The only thing that sounds better than that right now is a winning lottery ticket and a soda. :)

Dagny has been having the best time with her friends lately. I love seeing her enjoy life so much. She is just an interesting little girl. Like most children, she prefers to be naked. She is always taking her clothes off. If she is wearing something she cannot get off herself she tugs at her clothes screaming "PEAS PEAS PEAS."

She has been talking up a storm. She is slightly obsessed with hand washing and is always signing "wash hands" and saying "wash." You just try to get out of the bathroom after peeing without washing your hands! She also started saying no a lot. she tells me "no no mana" if she doesn't like what i am doing or saying. She also says "NO TOUCH!" Christian was telling her not to touch his television so that is where she got that from.

She has been pooping in the potty. Last night at Ethan and Sara's she started saying Pwup Pwup so Sara got out the little potty and Tiny Diva pooped in the potty right there in the living room. Christian was jumping up and down on the lazy boy cheering for her and Lil was saying, "Dagny poop potty!" I usually just give her a high five but she didn't seem to mind the attentions.

I am spending the holiday with the Dotson's. I am making a Tofurkey and some avocado mango salad.

Tonight will be the typical Griggs Christmas Eve, which consists of a dinner made entirely of appetizers, wine/beer/some alcoholic substance, presents, really raunchy/disturbing Christmas songs (Chipmunks Roasting On An Open Fire, The Angel- a spoken-word about shoving the top of a tree up an angel's ass, etc.), and Trivial Pursuit.

And then, I'll be at mass in the morning, off to Grandma's, and hopefully some total veg-out at my house with all the beer and vodka left over from my birthday. :D

I feel like I have nothing left. I am exhausted and depressed. I can't fight the meth cooking, the lead paint, the poverty, and every other bit of bullshit all at once.

I have tried so hard to maintain my level of okay through all of this but now I have to worry about my personal safety and the safety of my child at every moment. I am afraid to sleep in my own home. It's not like I can just up and leave with a tiny amount of money and a job that I have to work out of my home.

I am going to look at a place tomorrow but I just don't know how I can make it work even if we can get the place. I do not want to stay here any longer. I do not want to live in fear. I am so tired of money holding me back from doing what is best for us.

I don't mind living off of very little but when emergencies like this come up I have nothing. I called my mom recently because she helps my brother financially every time he gets drunk and wrecks his car and needs a new one but for me she has nothing. I felt like a dick asking anyway.

My neighbor is cooking meth in the building. We are spending the night at Ethan and sara's but after that I have no clue what to do. SO much for relaxing over the holidays. I really needed a fucking break.

Not to mention if this place is not safe I cannot watch kids here. I really need an income and... I am so pissed right now. I want to go kill this woman. I don't usually have feelings like this but I want to protect these children. I am infuriated right now.

"Miiiiiiiiit!" (milk) I waited too long to respond to her "mit peas" so she made some demands.

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Dagny and I found a kid-friendly salon in my neighborhood (Alex's Salon and Spa at Hampton and Chippewa). A very nice Vietnamese family owns the place. They just moved here from Webster Groves. Webster is full of old, white people and she got bored. I don't blame her.

She brings her two sons to work so Dagny had children to play with. She gave Dagny some snacks and encouraged me to nurse her (while I was mid haircut) when she got hungry. She continued to style my hair while Dagny nursed. How awesome is that? She told me her 2.5 year old just stopped nursing recently. She turned to her husband and said, "She breastfeeds. You know when the baby sucks on the boob?" I was cracking up.

I haven't gotten my hair cut in almost a year so I am glad it was not a stressful encounter. Next time I will get it A LOT shorter but I had already been there for a long time and I did not want to make Tiny Diva wait any longer for me because she was tired and fell asleep on the walk home.

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Since Lead Safe never contacted me (they said they would) I did not know they were coming until I received a call at the buttcrack of dawn this morning. I hoped to have the warning so that someone could watch Dagny the night before so I could prepare. Since I was unable to move furniture and books and clean the surfaces my house is now a disaster area and I am supposed to clean up all things potentially contaminated as soon as possible. So NOW I need the babysitter. sheesh.

Sorry this is so last minute. Anyway if you can help either tomorrow night, Saturday night or Sunday please let me know. I just want someone to hang out with Dagny for about an hour so I can move the furniture back and clean the things and surfaces that may have lead on them. Then I will have to shower.

I will pay you in money or whatever it is that you want (uh... maybe not whatever). heh.

Please call me or text me at (314)809-1767 to let me know if you can do this. If you think I may not have your number be sure to let me know who you are if you text me. :)

The position has been filled (by a very fantastic vegan lady)!

Me: how old are you?
Dagny: Dag-nuh
Me: What's your name?
Dagny: Apple!

bwahahaha. <3